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All marriages have their ups and downs, especially as the years go by. That’s why many couples take vows to remain true to each other “in good times and in bad,” and “for better or for worse.” Fortunately, many spouses get through rough patches in their marriage and restore their closeness, connection, and love. But not all marriages are recoverable when a relationship dissolves and neither party is happy, leading to feelings of discontent or resentment.
Sometimes, an ending becomes the best way to move forward with a new beginning. But how do you make the big decision to end a marriage after you’ve invested so much of yourself and your life into your relationship? How do you know when it’s time to divorce?
According to psychologists who study marriage and divorce, you can look out for specific signs that often demonstrate a marriage being over and divorce becoming inevitable. Whatever your ultimate reasons are for divorcing, make sure to talk to an experienced California divorce attorney to help you navigate the end of your marriage – whether that involves mediation, a collaborative agreement, or a more contentious separation where you may have to go to court.
1. You Feel Emotionally Disconnected From Your Spouse
One of the most telling signs that it might be time to consider divorce is a persistent feeling of emotional disconnection from your spouse. Emotional intimacy forms the bedrock of a healthy marriage – that includes honest conversations and sometimes even heated arguments.
When you no longer feel a sense of closeness or attachment, this can signify deeper issues that might not be easily resolved. Emotional disconnection often manifests as indifference or apathy towards your partner’s feelings, thoughts, or experience. You may find that you no longer confide in them, share your day’s experiences, or seek their support and companionship.
If you, your spouse, or both no longer have the energy or desire to even fight for the relationship in a healthy argument, that’s a strong sign that the marriage may have devolved beyond repair. Effective communication is vital for a thriving marriage – it allows couples to express their needs, resolve conflicts, and connect on a deeper level. When communication breaks down and becomes characterized by a complete shutdown of dialogue, this can be a severe problem.
This emotional gap can lead to feelings of loneliness even when you and your spouse are physically together, which can be incredibly painful to experience. If you no longer look to your spouse for support or value their opinion – or even care to hear their opinion at all – it’s a strong sign that you’ve emotionally disconnected from each other.
If you’ve made repeated attempts to rekindle the emotional connection of your marriage through counseling, open communication, and quality time together without success, this could be an indication that the emotional foundation of your marriage is beyond repair. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings instead of dismissing them, as they can significantly impact your overall well-being and happiness. Once the disconnection process is complete, it can be difficult or impossible to get it back. Even if you remain civil to each other, the deeper, underlying connection that bound you together as a team is gone.
2. You Have No Sexual Interest in Your Partner
Along with communication, intimacy is an essential part of a healthy marriage. Feeling and expressing sexual desire for your spouse as well as a desire to cuddle, sit close together, hold hands in public, and share physical touch when feeling happy or sad are all signs that you have a supportive, intimate connection with your spouse.
Sexual disinterest can stem from various sources, including emotional disconnection, unresolved conflicts, stress, or physical health issues. It’s important to address these factors and seek solutions, whether through open communication, counseling, or medical intervention. However, if you’ve made considerable efforts to reignite the spark and nothing seems to work, this may point to a profound incompatibility.
If you’re lacking this connection, you’ve most likely noticed it and you miss the feelings you once had. Your partner may have also noticed and may feel the same lack – or they may be okay with the new status quo where physical intimacy doesn’t factor into the relationship.
When intimacy and sexual desire are no longer reciprocated in a marriage, the relationship can feel incomplete. A prolonged absence of sexual intimacy can lead to feelings of rejection, frustration, and resentment for both partners. This lack of physical connection can further erode the emotional bond and overall satisfaction within the marriage. If sexual disinterest persists despite all attempts to remedy it, you might have to consider whether the marriage can provide the fulfillment that both partners need and deserve.
It’s a part of human nature to seek out touch and physical connection, which can lead to a spouse looking elsewhere if their needs can’t be met. It’s better to officially end the marriage before seeking a connection outside your marriage without your partner knowing.
3. Trust Has Been Irreparably Broken
Trust is a cornerstone of any partnership, including marriage. When trust breaks down, whether through infidelity, dishonestly, or other breaches, it can be extremely challenging to rebuild. While some couples manage to restore trust in each other with time, effort, and professional help such as counseling, sometimes the damage is too profound to be overcome.
If you find yourself constantly suspicious, unable to believe what your spouse says, or you feel the need to check up on them frequently, this ongoing mistrust can erode the relationship even further. Living in a state of perpetual doubt is unhealthy and can prevent both partners from experiencing peace and security within the marriage.
Even in good marriages, it’s not uncommon for spouses to develop crushes or feelings for other people. However, in a healthy relationship, these feelings are rarely serious, don’t last, don’t become physical, and typically don’t begin to compare to the feelings that you have for your spouse. If you find yourself developing deep feelings for someone outside of your marriage at the same time that you’ve lost the intimate connection, trust, and companionship with your spouse, it’s time to consider whether your marriage is over – likewise, if you suspect that your spouse has developed a relationship with someone else. Even if an extra-marital relationship hasn’t turned physical, it’s a symptom of a deeper problem within the marriage.
In cases where trust has been irreparably broken, continuing the marriage might do more harm than good. It may be healthier for you both to part ways and work towards rebuilding your individual lives on a new foundation of honesty and trustworthiness.
4. Your Spouse Has No Interest in Improving the Marriage
Over time, people grow and evolve, and sometimes this growth leads partners in different directions. If you and your spouse no longer share the same life goals, values, or visions for the future, this can create a significant divide in the relationship.
A successful marriage and life partnership requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to work through challenges from both partners. When one spouse is divested from the original goals of the marriage, or uninterested or unwilling to invest in improving the relationship, this can create an insurmountable imbalance that’s difficult to overcome.
If you’ve been reading self-help books, researching marriage counseling, googling marital retreats and second honeymoons, but your spouse refuses to engage in any of your attempts at reconnection, this could signal that they feel the marriage has already ended and they just haven’t told you yet. This can be a form of “quiet quitting” the marriage. Your spouse may have resolved to stay together out of complacent or for the children – but in the long run, this is often harder on children than a divorce.
Marriage requires teamwork and both partners need to be equally invested in making it work. If you find yourself constantly initiating conversations about the issues in your marriage, suggesting counseling, or making changes to improve the relationship while your spouse remains indifferent or dismissive, this is a clear sign of trouble. This lack of effort and commitment can leave you feeling unsupported, lonely, and frustrated.
When only one person is trying to repair the relationship, this creates a one-sided dynamic that is unsustainable in the long run. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment and a sense of being unappreciated. Consider the following signs if your spouse:
- Refuses to attend counseling or therapy,
- Dismisses or ignores your concerns and feelings,
- Makes no effort to change their harmful behaviors or patterns, or
- Remains indifferent to the state of your relationship and its future.
If you’ve communicated your needs and concerns clearly but your spouse remains unresponsive, it may be time to evaluate whether staying in the marriage is beneficial for you. A lack of effort from your partner can be a strong indicator that they’re no longer committed to the relationship, making it difficult, if not impossible, to resolve issues and move forward together.
When the disparity in your goals and values becomes too great to reconcile, and compromises seem unattainable, it could be an indication that you are no longer compatible as life partners. Accepting this reality can be difficult but crucial for your long-term happiness and fulfillment.
5. Your Relationship Involves Domestic Abuse
Violence has no place in a marriage or family. Abuse, whether emotional or physical, is a clear and unequivocal sign that it’s time to leave the marriage. No one should have to endure physical violence, emotional abuse, verbal berating, or abuse towards their children. Staying in an abusive relationship can have severe and lasting effects on your mental and physical health.
Emotional abuse can include manipulation, constant criticism, isolation, and control, while physical abuse involves any form of violence or even a threat of violence. Both types of abuse create an environment of fear and oppression, making it impossible to maintain a healthy and loving relationship.
You shouldn’t ever have to live in fear or feel disrespected in your own home – and you certainly shouldn’t ever have to worry that your spouse might hurt your children. If you’re experiencing abuse, it’s vital that you seek help immediately. Contact local support services, confide in trusted friends or family, and consider legal options to protect yourself. Leaving an abusive marriage is not only a step towards regaining your safety and well-being, but also a necessary move to reclaim your life and future. If you fear for your safety, you may have to make plans to leave without telling your spouse so that you can request a divorce from somewhere safe.
If you’re in a domestic abuse situation, talk to a family law attorney as soon as possible about securing a temporary restraining order while you file for divorce.
Deciding to end a marriage is never easy and should be approached with careful consideration and proper support, both legally and emotionally. Recognizing the signs that a marriage is no longer viable can help you make informed decisions about your future. Remember – it’s critical to seek professional advice and support through this process. A skilled California divorce attorney can provide the guidance and assistance you need to navigate the complexities of divorce, ensuring that your rights and interests are protected.
